Something Rotten in the State of Hogwarts
by Evie2
Summary: MWPP; 3 yr. The marauders hear a conversation in the girls' dorm, while stealing from Lily, and Sirius finds out his crush likes Remus.His revenge is taken out on Remus's cat, which you know is going to be funny.More socks; not meant for those w/ sanity.
1. The Result of Night-Time Roaming

Disclaimer/Notes: I don't own the characters in this story, except Lacy Barker, who I don't like much anyway. Trust me when I say that she will be promptly distroyed as soon as I find she no longer serves a purpose. Oh, and this story is MWPP, 3rd year. Just so you know. Also, with the socks. If any of you are new to the sock joke, which you won't be if you've read any of my other stories, in Harry Potter land socks are plotting doom and demise for all. Read my other stories (except "the first word") for additional information.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"James, I am *freezing*!" Peter said, his teeth chattering as evidence. "Remind me, my mind seems to be suffering frost bite, why are we out here again?"  
"Because," James sighed and explained, "we have to sneak into the girls' dormitory while they're asleep so we can take Lily's socks without her noticing!"  
"But why?" Peter whined. "Why do we want a bunch of girls' socks?"  
"Look, Peter," Sirius snapped, "if we don't stop those socks, who will? Besides, I want to see her tomorrow, complaining because her feet are cold. She deserves it, with that dirty trick she played while we were in the showers." (a/n: make sure you read the disclaimer so you understand my thing with the socks. scroll up)  
James, Peter, (although he wasn't even there) and Sirius all shivered at the memory, not to mention the piles of snow that they were sitting on outside the girls' dormitry window were becoming very cold.  
"You're right, of course you are," Peter grumbled, pulling his cloak tightly around him.  
Sirius looked over at Moony. He was being quiet. Too quiet. Remus's face was up-turned, his eyes fixed on the nearly full moon which was spilling a pale light on his already pale skin.  
"Moony?"   
"The mooooon," Remus breathed, "it's so.......pretty......."  
"Oh good God," Sirius groaned, "someone smack wolf-boy over there back into reality."  
James gave the crouching Remus a slight shove and he ended up face-first in the snow. Moony didn't take offense, he was used to this sort of thing happening this time of month.  
"Sorry," he said bashfully, "the moon's waxing. You know how it is."  
"Yeah, we know," James said absentmindedly. "You know, maybe this isn't so nice. I mean, it's *Lily*, guys."  
"Oh no," Sirius started, "no no no. You are not going softy on us, Loverboy. No chance in frozen hell. You've committed to this. If Lily makes you sleep on the couch because of it, too bad."  
James gave Sirius a dirty look. "You know perfectly well where I sleep. You end up in my bed a few times too often." (a/n: read "Wrong On So Many Levels", by me. it'll expand on this, and make it seem much less slashy)  
"It's not my fault, I get cold!"  
"Speaking of cold," Remus piped up, to stop the bickering no doubt, "it is a little chilly out here, isn't it?"  
James couldn't surpress a chuckle. Remus, who was the least tolerable of the cold among them, was trembling like a leaf, and his teeth going a mile a minute.  
"Arg, when are they just going to turn off that bloody lamp and go to sleep!" Peter groaned, a little too loudly.  
"Shh!" James warned. "You want them to hear us out here?"  
After about ten more minutes of shivering and bickering, our boys gave a soft cheer as they saw the lamp light finally go out.  
"Come on," Sirius urged, "let's get in through the bathroom window. And hurry, I want to get back in bed before my bum freezes off."  
"Oh, I'm sure that would disappoint Lacy Barker," Remus teased. Lacy was an annoying friend of Lily's who never seemed to shut her mouth. The boys had speculated for months now that she fancied Sirius, as she always seemed to be flocking around him. Sirius wouldn't let on, but he secretly enjoyed it. He thought that he was starting to like her being around so often. *Really* like it.  
The four boys gathered outside the girls' bathroom window and made a human totem pole. James knelt down and let Sirius climb on to his back. Sirius steadied himself, putting his hands on James's shoulder blades and his knees on the small of James's back, and beckoned for Remus to climb on. Remus took a step on James's backside to get himself onto Sirius's back.   
"Quickly, Peter!" he whispered, and Peter scrambled up the leaning-tower-of-Marauder to complete it. This routine had been practiced many times, but that didn't stop James from nearly buckling under the pressure.   
"Hurry up, Wormtail!" he grunted.  
"I'm trying, I'm trying, but the lock is different than the one on the boys' room!" Peter squeeked.  
"Oh for the love of Pete!" Sirius cried.  
"You love Peter?" Remus asked.  
"I forbid you to make jokes at this time!" James hissed at Remus. "Peter, if you don't hurry up, I'm going to make you three pay my doctor bills!"  
"Okay, I got it!" Peter triumphantly announced and literally fell into the girls' bathroom.  
Remus scrambled in shortly after, followed by Sirius, and finally, they pulled James in through the open window.  
"Their bathroom's so much nicer than ours," Remus observed.  
"I dare say that I detect a lemony fresh scent," Sirius said.  
"It just isn't fair," sighed Peter.  
James, after straightening his back out, gave a small wave and the boys followed him to the door. James opened it slowly, and all four of them slid on their bellies into the girls' bedroom. The four of them sat against the wall, and were about to move into position when they froze at the sound of feminine giggles.  
"Lacy, you know I can't answer that honestly. I'm completely biased!"  
"It's Lily and Lacy, they're still awake!" James whispered. "Shh, nobody move!"  
"Oh come on, Lily!" Lacy urged. "You have to answer it! Which marauder do you think is the cutest?"  
The boys could see James go rigid against the wall.  
"Lacy, c'mon now, you know I have to say James," Lily responded.  
James slumped back down, obviously relieved.  
"Yeah, but honestly, pretend for a second that you aren't dating him," Lacy persisted.  
Lily thought for a moment. "I'd still have to say James." Lacy gave an exasperated groan. "Well, it's true!" Lily giggled. "Okay, if it's such a big issue, who do you think is the cutest marauder?"  
Lacy giggled. "No contest!"  
"It's Sirius, isn't it? I know you fancy him!" Lily said.  
"What?" Lacy raised her voice. "Sirius?! No way!"  
The boys exchanged shocked and amused looks in the dark corner, where they were concealed by an empty bed that sat between them and the girls.  
"Oh, really?" Lily asked. "But you're always hanging around him, I just figured..."  
Lacy giggled (yet again). "That's what you thought? No, no! I'm just hanging around him so I can see Remus!"  
Remus nearly blew their cover as he coughed out his surprise. Sirius nearly blew Remus's head right off his shoulders, but figured that would blow *his* cover, and then the guys would know how much he liked Lacy. So, Sirius quietly smoldered as Remus felt himself blush brightly enough to light up the entire room.  
"Remus? No way!" Lily exclaimed. "I was sure you...Remus?" The outline of Lacy's head bobbed up and down in the moonlight. "Well, I guess I can see that. He is kind of handsome, isn't he?"  
James made a not-so-subtle "accident" of stepping on Remus's hand. Remus silently sucked in the pain. "It's...not...my...fault!" he hissed to James.   
"This reminds me, Lacy, I've got a really interesting picture to show you...." (read "Marauders:Exposed", by me, for hillarious further details).  
Remus felt himself blushing. James didn't seem to care. "Come on, let's go," he said, sounding rather depressed.  
"But..." Sirius started.  
"Forget the socks, man," Peter whispered. "Their day will come."  
The four boys slipped back through the bathroom, out the window, and into the cold night air. They were silent on the way back to their dorms, with only the sound of their feet crunching in the snow breaking the deep quiet. The muteness continued until they had all gotten into bed.  
"Well, it really isn't my fault," Remus said, curling up with his beloved cat, Totes.  
"Lacy obviously hadn't seen that picture of the shower incident before she decided who she fancied," Sirius said to Remus.  
"SHUT UP, SIRIUS!!!!"  
James gave a discouraged grunt. Sirius silently swore revenge, his eyes falling on the sleeping cat. An idea began to formulate in his twisted mind.....  
The quiet of the dorm room was broken by Peter's urgent whispering. "Huh? What's going on? Ah! Remus, your sock is humping my leg!"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
There's that! Thanks for all reviews! I love you! All you have to do now is keep reading to find out what awful idea is formulating in Sirius's mind! Ciao! 


	2. Are Cats Supposed to Be That Color?

Disclaimer/Notes: I don't own the Harry Potter characters. This chapter isn't so funny, but I promise, some hillarity will take place in chapter three, so keep reading...  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Remus lingered in bed, stroking the silky fur of his cat, Totes. In his opinion, Totes was the most adorable cat ever made. Totes had black fur, with white splashes on his back, a white tummy, and little white feet. Remus sighed when he remembered what was only a few short hours away. Tonight was the first night of the full moon. He didn't want to get up, and maybe if he didn't, the night would never come. But that wasn't very likely, as dusk was already threatening the clear, blue sky. So, after carefully setting Totes in his knapsack, he went downstairs to dinner. At least it was Saturday, no bloody classes today.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Jamsie, is something wrong?" Lily asked at dinner, running a hand through James's hair.  
"Don't," he said, pushing her hand away, "you'll mess it up."  
Lily just laughed at him. "Oh, you mean this is the un-messy look?"   
James set his fork down suddenly. "Lily, what do you think of Remus?"  
The other two marauders held their breath (a/n: remus isn't downstairs yet), and Lily looked quite surprised at this question that had popped out of nowhere. "Well," she said, "I think he's a really sweet boy."  
James wasn't satisfied. "Well, everyone says that! I mean, how do you think of him physically?"  
"How do I think of him physically? I don't." Lily was starting to seem offended.  
"Oh, okay, good," James gave a relieved sigh and dug back into his food. Lily gave a questioning look to Peter and Sirius, who both shrugged as though they both knew nothing.  
Sirius was being unusually quiet that evening. He was feeling down, really down. Like, far enough down to sing the blues. So down, even the socks noticed the change.   
"Hey, Sirius, what's got you down?" Peter said, hoping that the author would just let the readers infer it's because Sirius had a big crush on Lacy, who in turn favors Remus, so they could skip a whole bunch of dialog.   
Luckily, Sirius didn't have to respond to Peter because just then, a werewolf came strolling into the Great Hall.  
"Hello all," he said, gingerly setting down his knapsack and opening it just enough to squeeze some sausage inside. James and Sirius glared at him.  
"Either you've sided with the socks and have decided to start sneaking them food, or I'd reckon you have a cat in that bag," Lily observed.  
Totes stuck a paw out of the bag far enough to bat Remus on the nose.  
"My God!" Peter cried. "The socks have grown paws!" He unconsciously pulled his own knapsack closer, in which he kept his precious teddy bear, cleverly named "Boo Bear".  
"Don't worry, Peter," Remus chuckled, "it's just Totes. And I won't let him get Boo Bear."   
"Promise?"  
"Promise." (a/n: for further mention of Boo Bear, see "Wrong On So Many Levels". Do you guys like how my stories sort of connect? Please tell me honestly!)  
Sirius "accidentally" knocked his water onto Remus's lap.  
"Hey, what was that for?" Remus demanded.  
"Oops, it slipped," Sirius said, rather unconvincingly.  
"Just watch it, okay?" Remus said, standing up to wipe himself off.  
"Or you'll do what, werewolf, bite me?" Sirius said, his tone full of menace. In another time, with another voice, this could have been taken as a joke. Not the way he said it now, though. Besides, they didn't use the word "werewolf". It was always "wolfie", or "wolf boy", or "Moony", and those things were okay. But they never used the "w.w. word".  
Remus looked at him, astonished and obviously hurt. Sirius wished that he could take that back the minute he'd said it, but he couldn't now, so what was the use? He kept his cool gaze steady.   
"What's the matter with you?" Remus quietly said, picking up his knapsack and heading out the door, dinner forgotten.  
"You're a real jerk, you know that, Sirius?" Lily scolded as soon as Remus had left.  
"Sorry, Mum," Sirius said cynically.  
"Hey!" James spoke up. "He didn't do anything you to, so what was that for?"  
"None of your damn businness," Sirius said, feeling quite ready to leave the table.  
"Why don't you take that bug out of your bum!"  
"Why don't you keep your nose in your own bloody business!" Sirius looked to Peter for help.  
Peter bit his lip and said nervously, "Well, that *was* below the belt, Sirius. Especially this time of the month."   
"It isn't my fault if Remus has got P.M.S.," Sirius muttered and stood to go.  
"It isn't his, either!" James called after him as he walked away.  
"What is the matter with you boys today?" Lily asked.  
"Nothing," James and Peter said quickly, shoving their mouths full so they wouldn't have to answer any questions.   
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Remus found himself once again on his bed. His stomach growled, but the only thing he had was one of the sausages he'd gotten for Totes. Although he was very hungry, he passed on the sausage. Him and meat were not a good combination, especially this week.  
The door creaked open. Sirius ducked his head in long enough to see that Remus was there and started to shut it again. On a second thought, he looked back and muttered, "Sorry", and shut the door a little too forcefully. Remus felt better, although still hungry. After rummaging through Peter's trunk, which was always good for a sweet or two, Remus came across a cup of pudding.   
"Well, it's better than nothing," Remus said, digging into the cup with his finger, as he lacked a spoon. Just then, James and Peter came through the door.  
"Wow, nice supper," Peter commented.  
"You know, a wolf can eat thirty pounds of meat a meal," Remus said, his eyes glittering with gold. "You volunteering to help the Remus Hunger Relief Fund?"   
"No!" Peter squeeked and jumped under his bed.  
"Uh, Remus," James said, "your eyes are glowing."  
"Oh, right." Remus blinked and felt the effects of the wolf wear off.  
James hesitated. "Have you seen Sirius?"  
"Yeah, he ducked in long enough to mutter that he was sorry and ran back out again."  
James lowered his head in thought. "Well, I'm sure he didn't mean it. He's upset about something today, he went off on me and Lily, too."  
"I wonder," Remus said, licking the pudding cup clean, "do you think it's because of what that Lacy girl said?"  
James laughed. "Why would he be mad about that? He hates Lacy!"   
"Yeah, I guess so."  
The conversation came to a halt. Remus felt his heart sink as he looked out the window. "Well, I guess I better go." His feet felt rooted to the spot. "You'll look after Totes?"  
"Yeah, sure," James mumbled. This part was never easy. "Remus, I really think you should go. Madam Pompfry-"  
"-Yeah. Yeah. Bye." Remus quickly walked out the door, without a second glance.  
James was trying not to worry about Sirius's strange behavior, when Peter's scream from under the bed broke the silence.   
"Help! Help! Ah! Get off me you lousy sock!"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Sirius had spent most of the night in the library, for three reasons. The first was that he wanted to avoid Lacy Barker at all costs. The second was that he needed to look up the perfect revenge for Remus. The third was that he really liked the smell of the library. But, no one needs to know that.  
Now, Sirius was lying in bed, just waiting for the right moment to release his vengence. James's steady breathing was evidence that he had finally gone to sleep, and Peter was talking in his sleep, so Sirius knew he wouldn't be waking soon. Quietly, he rolled out of bed and looked around. No sign of consciousness. *Whew* Sirius silently crept over to Remus's bed.   
*does remus deserve this? yes. he probably lead lacy on. besides, pranks don't need logic! it spoils them! don't think about it sirius, just do it!*  
A new wave of guilt broke when a howl rolled in through the window. Remus's bed was right next to Sirius's, but it felt like the longest walk of his life. Taking advantage of Moony while he was sick....Well, not really sick.  
Sirius pulled back the curtains that concealed Remus's empty bed and quickly closed them again as soon as he was kneeling on the covers. Inside the curtains, he could see the sleeping form of the cat in the moonlight. Poor, innocent little Totes. Oh well, it's just a cat. Besides, the spell could be reversed. With enough research.  
Totes woke up when he found this intruder on his master's bed. Not yet having developed a very good judge of character, the little cat rolled over on his head and invited Sirius to tickle his tummy. Sirius solemnly took out his wand, said a few words, observed the effects of the spell, and went to bed as though nothing had happened. There were no witnesses, besides two dirty socks. And bleached socks tell no stories.....  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
James woke up. It was still dark outside. He checked the time; 4:00. Moony wouldn't be back for about two and a half hours. After sometime spent squirming and thinking about how good Lily's hair smelled, James wrangled some socks from the bottom of his bed and decided to get a midnight snack. While passing Remus's bed, he looked through the curtains to check on Totes. It took James's sleepy mind a few seconds to realize what he was seeing.  
  
Totes was bright pink.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
okay, hope you liked the latest installment. if you have an suggestions for this story or for future ones, please leave them in the review section. (yes! i do take requests! sometimes...)   
SHAMELESS PLUG!!!!!!!!!!!! please go read my other stories! "Harry Learns the Facts of Life" in which Harry goes on an adventure to find out how babies are made (i've been told it's v. funny!), "The First Word", in which Harry says his first word, leaving Sirius very depressed and James wondering who the father is (but it's a joke, don't worry), "Wrong on So Many Levels", in which Sirius hits on Lily, James hits Sirius, Sirius hits on Remus (but not seriously, no slash, i promise!), and Remus puts Snape in his place (i love this story, please read it!), and finally, "Who's in Love with the Big Bad Wolf?" in which Hermione has a school girl crush on Remus, and then she finds out he's a werewolf. He knows she knows about him, and that she has a crush on him. I think it's cute. Okay, so there they are. Please read! Sock jokes run free and abundant! Now go, and be fertile! 


	3. Remus's Return

Disclaimer/Notes: I am INSANE. Oh yeah, and I don't own Harry Potter. Gracias.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
James was pacing up and down the dormitory hall. "What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?" he muttered over and over.  
"What are you gonna do about what?" Lily's voice came drifting down the hall.  
"Lily! Thank goodness you're here! We've got a problem..." James grabbed Lily by the wrist and started to drag her towards the boys' bedroom. "Hey, what are you doing here anyway?"  
"Maybe I came to see Remus."  
"Hope you like fur," he mumbled under his breath.  
"What?"  
"Nevermind."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"James, cats don't just turn pink on their own."  
"I know, I know," James sighed, "but I don't have a clue what happened."  
"Let me try something," Lily said, rolling up her sleeves. A dozen spells later, she was stuck with a fizzing wand and a pink (but slightly burnt) Totes. She turned to James and shrugged her shoulders. "I'd suggest hiding before Remus gets back."  
"That's the best you've got?" James whined.  
"Don't whine James," Lily scolded. (a/n: good show, lily, my thoughts exactly)  
"I'm not whining, I'm complaining. There's a *difference*, Lil."  
"Sure there is, Sugar. Whatever you say."  
"Look, I don't have time to argue now!" James said, gesturing animatedly with his hands. "Remus is going to be back in a moment of minutes, I was left in charge of his most beloved possession, and that possession just happens to have undergone a physical change! Things aren't looking too good right now, Lily!"  
"Oh, settle down, Jamsie," came a tired reply from the next bed. "Cats are colorblind anyway, I doubt Totes is going to care."  
"Fine thing for you to say, Sirius. It isn't Totes's reaction I'm worried about, it's Remus's."  
"Oh, honestly," Lily said, clearly exasperated, "just tell him you don't know what happened. What's he going to do, bite you?"  
Peter, now fully awake, gave a squeek and began to scuttle under his bed, but remembering the last time, opted for the closet instead.  
"What'd I say?" Lily asked, innocently.  
"Nevermind," said James and Sirius.  
"Well, there's only one solution I can see to this," Sirius said, opening the window and picking up the cat in one motion.  
"No!" James yelled, grabbing the cat away from Sirius. Just then, the door opened and one very tired, very bruised werewolf came stumbling in.  
Not knowing what to do, James tucked his oversized night shirt into his pajama pants and stuffed the cat down the back of his shirt. Understandably, the cat did not enjoy this. Fortunately, Remus was slightly incoherent and didn't hear the screetches of protest.  
"Remus! What happened to you?" Lily asked, innocently.  
"Nothing," he muttered.  
"I've been getting that answer a lot lately," she said under her breath.  
Remus started to pull off his shirt. "Hey!" James said. "My girlfriend's in here!"  
"Oh, sorry, didn't notice," he mumbled and winced as he climbed into bed.  
"She was just talking to you!"  
"Oh, really? Sorry," he was practically asleep as he spoke. "Where's my cat?"  
"Um, right here," James said. Well, it was an honest response.  
"Can I have him?"  
James decided to take his chances, hoping that Remus was so out of it he wouldn't notice. He pulled out the little cat, which by this time had made it into his pants (much to the amusement of Lily, Sirius, the author, and hopefully the readers), and put him in Remus's arms. It was then that he realized that a person could be shocked out of a coma by that shade of pink. Remus's eyes snapped open, and he held the cat up to inspect him.  
"This is not what we needed right now, is it, Totes?" he whispered. "Whoever did this is a dead man when I wake up." And with that, he fell asleep.  
"Well, that went better than I'd expected," James said, slumping onto his bed. Sirius didn't agree. This revenge wasn't really as sweet as he'd hoped. Maybe it'd be better once Remus had slept...*wow* he thought *i am one twisted guy*  
For the third chapter in a row, Peter's scream broke the silence. "Not again! No! I say NO you bloody sock! I'm telling you, I do NOT want to mate!"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Okay, hope you liked it! See you in the next chapter! Leave honest reviews please!!!! Okay okay, lie if you must..... 


	4. The Trial

Disclaimer/Notes: I don't own Harry Potter. Or my mind. But maybe that's a good thing. You've seen what the forces have done with it, think about what someone like ME would do with a perfectly good mind. Well, maybe perfectly good is a stretch...  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Now, after I have gotten a few hours rest, it's time to find out just who the culprit is," Remus said, pacing up and down the bedroom, examining the faces of his three friends in the afternoon light.  
"Okay, okay, it was me!" Peter said, dropping to his knees. "I was the one who put the bleach in the wash!"  
Remus shook his head. "No, Wormtail, I'm talking about my cat."  
"Oh."  
Sirius snickered at him. "At least we know who the socks have to thank for their impotency."  
"No! No, please Sirius! They're lying to you! Trust me, they aren't impotent! TRUST ME."  
"Ew."  
"Gentlemen!" Remus interupted. "Back to the matter at hand!"   
"*Somebody's* watched a little too much Court T.V.," James whispered to Sirius.  
"T.V.?" Sirius whispered back.  
"Nevermind."  
"I would like to call my first witness to the stand," Remus announced dramatically. "James Potter."  
James stood up and took his place in a chair which had been put in the middle of the room.  
"Mr. Potter-"  
"Call me James."  
Remus looked annoyed. "C'mon Prongs, be serious!"  
"Of course," James said, putting on a stoic face that lasted about five seconds.  
"Did I or did I not leave you in charge of my cat?"  
"You did. I owed you a favor."  
"Right. Can you explain how Totes seemed to mysteriously turn pink?"  
"Well, when there's no one to blame, I always blame one person..."  
"SNAPE!" James, Peter, and Sirius cried out at once.  
"Nope, already considered it," Remus said. "But it couldn't have been him, because Totes didn't leave the dorm room last night, you said so earlier, James. So it must have been someone in Griffyndor, and more likely, someone in this very room."  
Shifty looks were exchanged by all..   
"Why not Lily?" Peter asked.  
"Because Lily is an angel and would never hurt a living creature," James answered matter-of-factly.  
"Oh yeah, is that why she kneed me in the balls last week?" Sirius asked. "I can't father children now, thanks to your `angel'."  
"Uh-uh," Remus said, "Lacy said that Lily didn't leave the dorms until 4:30, which was after James had made the discovery."  
"Talking to Lacy, huh?" James said with a mischievous grin.  
Remus smacked him in the back of the head as he paced by.  
"Hey, can we leave Lacy out of this?" Sirius asked, a tone of annoyance rising in his voice.   
Remus stopped in his tracks. "I would like to call the second witness to the stand-"  
"Oh forget the stinking stand! Call me right here!" Sirius said.  
"Fine! How come you're so pissy with me?"  
"I'm not pissy!"  
"Out with it, Sirius! You were obviously angry with me yesterday, and now this comment about Lacy-"  
"There's nothing to it!"  
"I don't think you're telling me the whole story," Remus said cooly.  
"What do you want?"  
"I want the truth!"  
"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" (a/n: who else saw that coming?)  
Remus paused. "That was really lame, man."  
"Yeah, Sirius," James said, "it's like, 1980. That movie hasn't even come out yet."  
"Look, I woke up, the cat was pink. That's all I know," Sirius continued to defend himself.  
"Peter!" Remus spun on his heels to face him. Peter wimpered in surprise. "What do you know?"  
"I...I..." Peter gave Sirious a funny look, "I hear Sirius talking in his sleep!"  
"I do *not* talk in my sleep!" Sirius said.  
"No, not usually," Peter slowly said, "but you did the night before last. I was surprised it didn't wake up James. You were, well..." Peter took a breath and continued, "talking about Lacy."  
"Ah ha!" Remus yelled. "I knew it!"  
"Yeah, well, what was I saying about her?" Sirius asked, his defence wearing thin.  
"You were, um," Peter's eyes flickered nervously around the room, "telling her how pretty she was and that she should forget about Remus. You were really sweet about it, though," he quickly added, hoping it would get him out of the frying pan. It didn't.  
"It all makes sense!" James shouted. "You were angry because Lacy likes Remus, and you were looking up your revenge all yesterday, that's why you were in the library! And then when we were all asleep, you turned Totes pink!"  
"Fine! Fine! I admit it! IT WAS ME! Send me to Azkaban!" Sirius yelled, falling to his knees, much like Peter had earlier done.  
Remus exchanged a look with Peter and burst into laughter. Peter started to chuckle nervously.  
"Well, it's about bloody time!" Remus said between gasps.  
"What are you talking about?" Sirius asked, completely confused.  
"Well, I knew it was you, of course," Remus said. "Who else would turn a cat pink for revenge? Not that it wasn't good, but it had your signature all over it. Besides," he added, "I'd thought for a while you had a thing for Lacy."  
"Well, not anymore, thanks to you, Wolf Boy," Sirius grumbled.  
"I had Peter here pretend that he knew everything so you would confess," Remus explained, handing Peter his payment, which came in the form of three cauldron cakes.  
Sirius's eyes bugged out of his head.  
"Look everyone, and take note," James said, "of the man who would trade in his friend for so little!" (a/n: i know, i know....)  
"Listen, Sirius," Remus said, finally being able to control his laughter, "you turn little Totes back into his black and white self, and I'll forget the whole thing."  
"Fine," Sirius said. "I've got to look up the spell. It'll be done by the time you get back tomorrow morning."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
James stretched and looked over at his clock. It was once again 4:00. What an odd sleeping pattern he had.... After spending some time contemplating his options, James put on some slippers (which are, thankfully, much less rebellious than the common house sock) and decided to check on Totes, who had once again been left in his care. James pulled back the curtains of Remus's empty bed, shook his head, pushed a sleeping Sirius onto the floor and climbed back into his own bed.  
Sirius swore as he woke up.  
"At least you got the colors right this time," James muttered as he floated back into sleep.  
Sirius grinned to himself as he admired his work.  
  
A black-and-white-polka-dotted Totes slept soundly on the red bed spread.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
hope you liked it! please review, and read my other stories! "Harry Learns the Facts of Life", "The First Word", "Wrong On So Many Levels", and "Who's In Love With the Big, Bad Wolf?" Please? Pretty please? I'll love you forever!!! Who do I think I'm fooling.... 


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